Today's idea:
Bitterness
I think that once again a scar has been placed, like a spell, a permanent enchantment. Sadly, there is nothing that can break this spell, I tried to avoid it, but alas it was to no avail.
'I go back to December, turn around and make it alright. I go back to December all the time.'
Foolish.
Stupid.
Laughable.
These are what comes to mind. Again I fell into the trap of hope, and now all that's left is the bitterness. I will never be the same. More of my innocence is gone. I cannot hope as freely as before, nor believe as freely as before, nor love as freely as before (and freely is meant loosely, as we can all image how free the rational me would ever let these things occur) because this spell has been cast upon me. I am once again wary of all that comes my way. The iron gates in place again, because a silly man made a foolish mistake.
'You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation.'
It is so easy to walk away. You just take a step and then another and another until your far away from where you had started and close enough to begin anew. True strength is to to stay. To fight. To try. To be there until the end...when someone walks away from you and you are the one who has to stay and watch, watch until the last possible moment before you have to bow your head in shame and sorrow and weep your tears as you turn onto a new path. That in my opinion is true courage and strength, to keeping trying through pain and anguish.
But you will never see the truth of my burden, my pain. The cause of my bitterness. For you it is easier to place blame on me for trying than to instead comfort me for trying even though it is useless.
'I just wanna feel okay again.'
And it's so funny because now all I can do is wonder. Wonder and wonder about the twists and the turns we made. Wonder if one day it will all mean more than just the pain. Will it just be another memory? Another place, another time? Or will you forget? Or will I forget? Or will it fade away so that anyone can deny it was ever there? So that once again, I am the one fighting trying to prove it was real? That it was not a lie. That I am not a lie.
'Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest that made you run and hide like a scared little boy?'
In the end. This amounted to the pain. The pain of disbelief. The pain of being turned away. The pain of rejection. The pain of lies. Lies, lies, and more lies. I am like Zero, sick of a world filled with lies. I want to unmask them all, but it is not in my power to do so. Much less if you choose to stay blinded by the lies. I am so drained from trying to fight them all, only to fail. Could you really believe so little of me? Me...who gave you everything I could...who tried? Could you really believe that I was everything they said?
'You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain. And I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday.'
I stare and I wonder and I think. I run circles in my head, pacing back and forth between the past, the future, the present, and my dreams. The dreams are the scariest. Sometimes they're so close to reality that it is hard to see the difference--so that when I wake up I cannot tell which one is which. Then that feeling passes though and you're left with the strangest feeling. Bitterness. Of being awoken up from something better than reality. Of believing that a dream could be reality, because in some other timeline, universe it could be. The dream was another universe's reality, but not yours.
'You can plan for a change in weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind.'
The moment when you realize a song is singing for you. When of all days it picks the one you can cry to. Ha. Forget bitterness. It is irony I should be afraid of.
'Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane that July 9th the beat of your heart. It jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms...But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes. All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss.'
This is pain that will not ease with time. I've seen its likes before. It will linger. All over the little things. All over the pieces. With time, I may forget, but it will never ease. It will always linger.
'I should've known.'
And I should have, but I didn't. I dared to hope. And now, now it may be the bitterness talking, but it looks so hard to be fearless again. I want to try though. Piece by piece I want to stitch myself together--for what reason, I do not know. For you? For me? For life? For nothing? I don't know. I don't have a reason. I just don't want to stay in the bitterness.
'I should've known.'
I really should have.
;} -This has been the Dizzy messing up a storm,
