Bitterness

Today's idea:

Bitterness

I think that once again a scar has been placed, like a spell, a permanent enchantment. Sadly, there is nothing that can break this spell, I tried to avoid it, but alas it was to no avail.

'I go back to December, turn around and make it alright. I go back to December all the time.'

Foolish.

Stupid.

Laughable.

These are what comes to mind. Again I fell into the trap of hope, and now all that's left is the bitterness. I will never be the same. More of my innocence is gone. I cannot hope as freely as before, nor believe as freely as before, nor love as freely as before (and freely is meant loosely, as we can all image how free the rational me would ever let these things occur) because this spell has been cast upon me. I am once again wary of all that comes my way. The iron gates in place again, because a silly man made a foolish mistake.

'You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation.'

It is so easy to walk away. You just take a step and then another and another until your far away from where you had started and close enough to begin anew. True strength is to to stay. To fight. To try. To be there until the end...when someone walks away from you and you are the one who has to stay and watch, watch until the last possible moment before you have to bow your head in shame and sorrow and weep your tears as you turn onto a new path. That in my opinion is true courage and strength, to keeping trying through pain and anguish.

But you will never see the truth of my burden, my pain. The cause of my bitterness. For you it is easier to place blame on me for trying than to instead comfort me for trying even though it is useless.

'I just wanna feel okay again.'

And it's so funny because now all I can do is wonder. Wonder and wonder about the twists and the turns we made. Wonder if one day it will all mean more than just the pain. Will it just be another memory? Another place, another time? Or will you forget? Or will I forget? Or will it fade away so that anyone can deny it was ever there? So that once again, I am the one fighting trying to prove it was real? That it was not a lie. That I am not a lie.

'Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest that made you run and hide like a scared little boy?'

In the end. This amounted to the pain. The pain of disbelief. The pain of being turned away. The pain of rejection. The pain of lies. Lies, lies, and more lies. I am like Zero, sick of a world filled with lies. I want to unmask them all, but it is not in my power to do so. Much less if you choose to stay blinded by the lies. I am so drained from trying to fight them all, only to fail. Could you really believe so little of me? Me...who gave you everything I could...who tried? Could you really believe that I was everything they said?

'You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain. And I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday.'

I stare and I wonder and I think. I run circles in my head, pacing back and forth between the past, the future, the present, and my dreams. The dreams are the scariest. Sometimes they're so close to reality that it is hard to see the difference--so that when I wake up I cannot tell which one is which. Then that feeling passes though and you're left with the strangest feeling. Bitterness. Of being awoken up from something better than reality. Of believing that a dream could be reality, because in some other timeline, universe it could be. The dream was another universe's reality, but not yours.

'You can plan for a change in weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind.'

The moment when you realize a song is singing for you. When of all days it picks the one you can cry to. Ha. Forget bitterness. It is irony I should be afraid of.

'Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane that July 9th the beat of your heart. It jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms...But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes. All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss.'

This is pain that will not ease with time. I've seen its likes before. It will linger. All over the little things. All over the pieces. With time, I may forget, but it will never ease. It will always linger.

'I should've known.'

And I should have, but I didn't. I dared to hope. And now, now it may be the bitterness talking, but it looks so hard to be fearless again. I want to try though. Piece by piece I want to stitch myself together--for what reason, I do not know. For you? For me? For life? For nothing? I don't know. I don't have a reason. I just don't want to stay in the bitterness.

'I should've known.'

I really should have.

;} -This has been the Dizzy messing up a storm,

Lessons that Have Been Learned

I believe that it is high time that I begin to use this place again and have it serve a purpose other than idling by.

My thoughts crave a place to call home.

;} -This has been the Dizzy, stirring up a storm.

Ignorance is Your New Best Friend

Today's idea:

'You treat me just like another stranger. Well it's nice to meet you sir. I guess I'll go. I best be on my way out.'

People today need to learn a valuable lesson. Its always about words. People are silly enough to believe they have no power, but use the wrong words at the wrong time and in the wrong order and you can make yourself implode.

This is a truth.

Telling me to be something or do something has an adverse effect on me. Call it years of living with my parents telling me and pointing out the things and pieces of my personality that bothered them, never even bothering to accept me. I think that was the issue all along perhaps, that my parents couldn't never accept the quirks to my personality. They could accept my perfectionism, my fear of desicions, my ability to be strong when no one else is, and other things... but they couldn't accept the fact that I couldn't care about the things they did--how I looked, my extreme moments of sarcasm, or even take a second to see who I was, to look past the front.

So when someone else does the same thing. It angers me. I lose patience quickly. I'm not changing or acting nicer because you demand it to be so. My parents couldn't do that, why the hell would I let you? I mean really, come on. You at least are supposed to know better... or so I believed.

'This is the best thing that could've happened. Any longer and I wouldn't have made it. It's not a war. No, it's not a rapture. I'm just a person, but you can't take it...'

Friendship is accepting another for everything they are. FRIENDHIP is ACCEPTANCE. You hear that world? Effin acceptance. Something this world clearly evidently LACKS. Royally.

And acting out for attention, will get you no where. I have pride. Damn me, but I do. I bow my head for friendship. I damned well do. And I realize that friendship gives an opening to wounds that are already sore and open, and I bow my head--but the minute you cross me, the minute you stab the open wound, it's done. This is what we term as 'crossing the line'.

'The same tricks that, that once fooled me. They won't get you anywhere. I'm not the same kid from your memory. Well, Now I can fend for myself.'

Its kinda silly because at first it was just the anger that stung, but then the words got stuck in my head. 'Well you can just forget--' 'Well you can forget--' 'Well you can forget--' 'Well you can forget--' ...like a little rhythm of their own, and years of the same words playing as a background to all the misery and the feelings of pent up resentment came flooding back. See what I mean about words? The wrong words, in the wrong order, at the wrong time--created the wrong effect, because what I feel like doing is clawing out your eyes and using them as a marker for anyone else who comes closer. Anger much? Yes, plenty. Again, wrong words, wrong order, wrong time--because all its managed to do is remind me of the things I should rather forget and the people who've done the me the most harm.

And to that all I have is,

'I'll guess I'll go. I'll be best on my way out.'

Apparently I've overstayed my welcome.

;} -This has been the Dizzy, messing up as usual. :}

How Could You Be So Heartless?

Don't get mislead.

For that sort of thing, I'd have to have a heart. And frankly, I lack one--if not the whole thing. Then most of it.

Make use of the pieces then.

Eh, nah. I rather like being heartless right now.

;} -This has been the Dizzy, cruel as ever. PEACE.

Crack the Shutters Open Wide

Today's idea:

Karma.

Seriously. I realize why I became your friend. I miss the you you were... is it silly to want her back. Behind the fake I think you're still there. You were happier weren't you? Was what you have now worth it? Is using everyone better for you? Don't you see? No one wants to be close to you anymore if you're only going to use people. And the truth of the matter is that if you don't see this soon, I'll probably give up on you too. I just want my friend back. The one that cared, the one that drove to Walmart to buy card games just so she could teach me how to play, the one that hung out with me because she could, not because I offered or she needed me for something. I want the friend that put her heart into her friendship--not the one that's been hanging around.

And it sucks, because now, I'm going to have to be me--the cruel girl who can tear people to ribbons with ease. I have to try, don't ask me why, I just have to try. Perhaps because the girl that you were meant more to me then I thought. That friend, I can still see her. The one who had her heart in everything, not the empty one who can't even spare time.

And I have to try, and try, and try. Don't ask me why. But I have to, because I want to. I want her back, my dearest friend.

And I have to chuck out these feelings, all the tears I'm stuffing on the inside into a pen--because I have to be me now. I have to show no feeling, no soul--I have to be this fake thing you are and switch places, because maybe, this time it will be enough. Maybe, being you will finally make you see the things you're doing to the world around you. Its empty and it isn't saving you.

And you, laugh at me. Laugh at me now. Because I love you. HAHAHA. Oh I do. Laugh at me. Because truly, I've been silly. I thought, pssha, done and gone. I was just being holding on to something silly--but I care far more than I should. And if it doesn't kill me now, it's going to. Down that damn rabbit hole again. And somehow I think she's wrong, perhaps I should just fall into this... why not? It isn't like I have a heart to lose--because really it is rather dark in there. I've never experienced it anyway, so at this rate, if i fall down the hole I might actually get to see what the bottom is like.

I want to see, to live--make that mistake myself I guess. Again, what's there left to lose?

Eventually I'll lose it all.

'Its been minutes, its been days, its been all I will remember--'

But I at least want the ride, the rush of it all. The rush of everything I can't see.

I haven't forgotten the promise I made to myself. I'll keep it. I want to. Either way that was the deal I made. Deal with the devil much. I got my wish, now there's a price to pay.

Eh, no such thing as a free lunch, right?

;} -This has been the Dizzy,  sinking her own ship. TTFN!

Electric Hearts or Lack of One

Today's idea:

Be proud to know that disaster has not struck. Crisis averted?

Don't explain to me how, but it just fell perfectly into place. Let's keep it like that.

I have so much to say, but no words. I just want to fly into the sky,

'Throw your hands to the sky like you're flying.'

Its all I got.

;} -This has been the Dizzy, flying in the sky.

Behold! the Dizzy

Posted Behold! the Dizzy.

It is now officially on the blog as an official mascot (?), I guess! Whoot. Whoot.

;} -This has been the Dizzy, whoot! Whoot!

Smile Though Your Heart is Breaking

Today's idea:

Why is it that we struggle?

Well, let me rephrase that. It’s not quite struggle but move against the awesome current. I was reading a friend of mine's blog. And her thoughts were filled with pain for having lost someone she loved, she wanted them back knowing that she couldn't have him back. She said that one day he would realize what it was like to have her and feel sorry for what he'd done...but really he won't. No one ever hardly does. And that's the truth. People leave and hardly ever look back, except for the ones who end up left behind and picking up the scrambled pieces of their fragile hearts.

Is there a point to such suffering? I hardly think so.

Even as I stand at the brink of possible disaster, do I dare step in. Nor do I move back. I stand there watching the time pass before me knowing that eventually that disaster will swallow me in and take me whole, only to spit me back up and leave me scrambling for the pieces. Again, and again, and again. And I would say that if this is life, I would want no part of it--but I would be lying to myself. This is why we allow it to happen again and again, because maybe if it happens so many times it'll get to a point that we'll learn not stare the disaster in the face and let it swallow us. Maybe there's a different ending, but I hardly know that now. All I know is what I see before me, the black whole of disaster threatening to stop me now. This disaster that I have no control over to stop, this disaster is the making of others. The most I can do is steel myself and look forward bravely, since I have been told that bravery is a trait that many admire. But if nothing else, at least it’ll serve me as a mask to hide behind. Take of that what you will.

I would post my excellent work of art that perhaps tempted the fates, but I feel that I should wait and see where my disaster leaves me in the end before I do so. If nothing else, it will be interesting to see for sweet, sweet irony.

;} -This has been the Dizzy, in and out and everywhere in between.

Goal of the Day--> to Venture and Gain

So I had the brilliant idea to email my request. Sure it may have been a wee bit eccentric and ridiculous, but what I dear ask is the point of asking nicely when its boring?

Two things will occur, either it will not work due to the huh, crazy factor or interest will grow on this persona called the Dizzy and perhaps my request will be accepted.


Either way. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Its all worth a shot.

;} -This has been the Dizzy, sinking her own ship.

Putting this to Some Sort of Use

BAMN!

So perhaps I have decided to put this old thing to use, more importantly its just to basically talk endlessly about all the pssha and oomph in my head...I know, you have to hear it too? Yeah, too bad.

Back on topic, I used to do some [key word some] book reviews on here, but I feel this blog can be put to better use by concentrationg the the things theDizzy does best. So instead I re-christen this blog to serve theDizzy in her dizzying needs and plan to christen a new blog dedication solely to the nonense that is my entertainment.

But stick around. I promise some interesting things to tell... and if anything, I at least know interesting. [wink]


So Behold! to theDizzy, and um... welcome back?





;} -This has been the Dizzy, back! and out!

On My Nightstand

TADA! Tis my nightstand in all its glory... There is actually some order here! Shockingly enough, it was cleaned... it was...well it still is. See I'm reading Alice... so its to the side... and I'm gonna read The Garden of Eve and Ink Exchange.... Skip Beat 14 and Eureka 2 I already read! They rocked.

Midnight Brunch and Indigo Skye I have to give back the library, so I better not forget that. I think the cds there, have manga on there too.

And my random fax machine/printer.

So that's my nightstand!



;} -this has been the Dizzy, Tally-Ho!

Huzzah to My Greatness!

Wacha! I did it! 25 books and the ones that I picked for each category! All before April 1st!

I'm pretty great, if I do say so myself.

;} -This has been the Dizzy, watch me now!

100+ Reading Challenge!

I joined up, but I don't really have an idea of exactly what I'd like to read for this.... but I just list what I've read so far this year. Some manga include, though I don't list them by book, I just count a series like a whole book.

READING LIST 2008:

1. Rembrant's Daughter by Lynn Cullen

2. 10 Uses for An Unworn Prom Dress by Lynn Cullen

3. Twisted by Laurie Anderson

4. On Pointe by Lori Ann Grover

5. Kara First Love series by Kaho Miyasaka

6. MARS series by Fuyumi Soryo

7. Tokyo Crazy Paradise series by Yoshiki Nakamura

8. The Rules of Survival by Nancy Werlin

9. The Devil Does Exist (Akuma de Sourou) series by Mitsuba Takanashi

10. Vampire Game series by JUDAL

11. Ink Exchange by Melissa Marr

12. All Hallow's Eve: 13 Stories by Vivian Vande Velde

13. Crossroad series by Shioko Mizuki

14. Bronx Masquerade by Nikki Grimes

15. Firegirl by Tony Abbott

16. Absolute Boyfriend series by Yuu Watase

17. Black Mirror by Nancy Werlin

18. You're So Cool series by Lee Young Hee

19.

20.

21.

22.

23.

24.

25.

So far so good! I'll edit this as I finish! Join up too! Can you do it?

;} -This has been the Dizzy over and out!

TBR Challenge

So... adding my millions of things to do I've enter the...

TBR Challenge!

The basic guideline are:

** Pick 12 books - one for each month of 2008 - that you've been wanting to read (that have been on your "To Be Read" list) for 6 months or longer, but haven't gotten around to.

** OPTIONAL: Create a list of 12 "Alternates" (books you could substitute for your challenge books, given that a particular one doesn't grab you at the time)** Then, starting January 1, 2008, read one of these books from your list each month, ending December 31, 2008. :o)(for more information, please read the challenge FAQs).

So to my list I shall have:

1. Dragon's Keep by Janet Lee Carey

2. Girl Overboard by Justina Headley

3. Vampire Academy by Michelle Read

4. WAKE by Lisa McMann

5. Emma by Jane Austin

6. The Garden of Eve by KL Going

7. Into the Wild by Sarah Durst

8. Honk if You Hate Me by Deborah Halverson

9. Hush by Donna Jo Napoli

10. The Singer of All Songs by Kate Constable

11. Behind the Curtain by Peter Abrahams

12. Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

Alternatives:

1. the Second Virginity of Suzy Green by Sara Hantz

2. Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll

This basically the list of all the books I should be reading now... and I forgot to add some manga. Oh well, that's how it stays.

If you'd like to participate as well click:

http://tbrchallenge.blogspot.com/2007/12/round-2-in-2008-its-here.html

;} -This has been the Dizzy, we hope you have enjoyed your flight!

Avielle of Rhia

Today's Feature:

Avielle of Rhia

by: Dia Calhoun

Rhia is in the midst of terrible times. The threats of the Black Coats have taken hold and the price for that are the lives of the royal family and hundreds of others. And in this all, is a young girl with silver skin and silver hair, Avielle. The only survivor of the royal family, Avielle hides in fear. Shunned and unloved for the entire span of her life, she knows not what it is, love. She only knows the hate and scorn that others bring upon her and that lives within herself, all because of her likeness to her wicked Dredonian great-great grandmother.

Avielle is an amazing child. As you began with her on her journey, Avielle is riddled with hate, upon hate of distain for herself. Now alone, she mourns for the family that she's lost and the fear that has gripped her in its wake. The hate and contempt Avielle holds for herself calls to you with such a Siren song, as she weaves her own brand of magic and battles herself within to uncover the secrets of herself and her aunt.

Truly captivating as it teaches us the reality of bravery and hatred. A world of our own reality disguised in a world of fantasy and characters of fiction, Dia Calhoun shows us all that the ugly side of yourself can sometimes be one of the most beautiful pieces of strength that you can ever hold.

Rating:
**** */2

;} -this a trademarked post from the Dizzy

The Nature of Jade

Today's Featurette:

The Nature of Jade
by: Deb Caletti


"I don't hold back my tears... Nature is never static, I understand. Change is ever-constant, clouds zipping across a sky. It is dynamic, complicated, tangled, mostly beautiful. A moving forward, something newly gained, means that something is lost, too... But I, like nature itself, am strong and resilient. Over the eons, pieces of me had been brave, and I can be brave too." (287)

Jade DeLuna has Panic Attacks and to survive in them she finds solstace in the things that give her peace, like the elephants at the local zoo. As she watches them through the web cam, she sees a boy in a jacket, a red jacket. She becomes fascinated with him and the boy he carries with him as they visit the zoo; and is drawn to them.

The Nature of Jade shows us the raw emotions of life. The effects of change and the true depths of human emotions. Caletti shows us the world of elephants as a mirror image of some of the deepest emotions, how they can feel what we feel as well. How our emotions all connect, and unwind in a flurry of actions and events.

Caletti once more brings out the raw power of emotion through her writing and pulls you forth to understand the strength in Jade and if you look hard enough, the strength you can find in yourself.

Rating:

*****

[I still... need to find a neat little widget or something to rate!]

;} -the Dizzy says Toodalou!

On Pointe

Today's Featurette:

On Pointe

by: Lori Ann Grover

The book was simpy amazing! It is written in verse and narrated by the protagonist, Clare Moller. Her dream is to dance in the City Ballet Company and for years she had strived towards that goal, watching all she does, practicing, waiting for her chance to audition... and finally, soon the day is to arrive. But doubt creeps into her mind, what if she can't? What if she doesn't make it and she can't be a dancer?

Lori Ann has crafted a beautiful novel of pain and beauty and grace as well. Of coming to grips with one-self and learning to accept loss and the new things along the way you learn through it. I recommend it well, not just for dancers or lovers of ballet, but for all those who have lost something. On Pointe teaches you that yes, lost is inevitable and things may never turn out like you want them to be; but along the way you can find something you never knew before and come out better than what you would been.

Rating:
**** */2
[I need to find a neat little widget or something to rate!]


;} -this is the Dizzy signing out!