Crack the Shutters Open Wide

Today's idea:

Karma.

Seriously. I realize why I became your friend. I miss the you you were... is it silly to want her back. Behind the fake I think you're still there. You were happier weren't you? Was what you have now worth it? Is using everyone better for you? Don't you see? No one wants to be close to you anymore if you're only going to use people. And the truth of the matter is that if you don't see this soon, I'll probably give up on you too. I just want my friend back. The one that cared, the one that drove to Walmart to buy card games just so she could teach me how to play, the one that hung out with me because she could, not because I offered or she needed me for something. I want the friend that put her heart into her friendship--not the one that's been hanging around.

And it sucks, because now, I'm going to have to be me--the cruel girl who can tear people to ribbons with ease. I have to try, don't ask me why, I just have to try. Perhaps because the girl that you were meant more to me then I thought. That friend, I can still see her. The one who had her heart in everything, not the empty one who can't even spare time.

And I have to try, and try, and try. Don't ask me why. But I have to, because I want to. I want her back, my dearest friend.

And I have to chuck out these feelings, all the tears I'm stuffing on the inside into a pen--because I have to be me now. I have to show no feeling, no soul--I have to be this fake thing you are and switch places, because maybe, this time it will be enough. Maybe, being you will finally make you see the things you're doing to the world around you. Its empty and it isn't saving you.

And you, laugh at me. Laugh at me now. Because I love you. HAHAHA. Oh I do. Laugh at me. Because truly, I've been silly. I thought, pssha, done and gone. I was just being holding on to something silly--but I care far more than I should. And if it doesn't kill me now, it's going to. Down that damn rabbit hole again. And somehow I think she's wrong, perhaps I should just fall into this... why not? It isn't like I have a heart to lose--because really it is rather dark in there. I've never experienced it anyway, so at this rate, if i fall down the hole I might actually get to see what the bottom is like.

I want to see, to live--make that mistake myself I guess. Again, what's there left to lose?

Eventually I'll lose it all.

'Its been minutes, its been days, its been all I will remember--'

But I at least want the ride, the rush of it all. The rush of everything I can't see.

I haven't forgotten the promise I made to myself. I'll keep it. I want to. Either way that was the deal I made. Deal with the devil much. I got my wish, now there's a price to pay.

Eh, no such thing as a free lunch, right?

;} -This has been the Dizzy,  sinking her own ship. TTFN!

Smile Though Your Heart is Breaking

Today's idea:

Why is it that we struggle?

Well, let me rephrase that. It’s not quite struggle but move against the awesome current. I was reading a friend of mine's blog. And her thoughts were filled with pain for having lost someone she loved, she wanted them back knowing that she couldn't have him back. She said that one day he would realize what it was like to have her and feel sorry for what he'd done...but really he won't. No one ever hardly does. And that's the truth. People leave and hardly ever look back, except for the ones who end up left behind and picking up the scrambled pieces of their fragile hearts.

Is there a point to such suffering? I hardly think so.

Even as I stand at the brink of possible disaster, do I dare step in. Nor do I move back. I stand there watching the time pass before me knowing that eventually that disaster will swallow me in and take me whole, only to spit me back up and leave me scrambling for the pieces. Again, and again, and again. And I would say that if this is life, I would want no part of it--but I would be lying to myself. This is why we allow it to happen again and again, because maybe if it happens so many times it'll get to a point that we'll learn not stare the disaster in the face and let it swallow us. Maybe there's a different ending, but I hardly know that now. All I know is what I see before me, the black whole of disaster threatening to stop me now. This disaster that I have no control over to stop, this disaster is the making of others. The most I can do is steel myself and look forward bravely, since I have been told that bravery is a trait that many admire. But if nothing else, at least it’ll serve me as a mask to hide behind. Take of that what you will.

I would post my excellent work of art that perhaps tempted the fates, but I feel that I should wait and see where my disaster leaves me in the end before I do so. If nothing else, it will be interesting to see for sweet, sweet irony.

;} -This has been the Dizzy, in and out and everywhere in between.